I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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