If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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