I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If I die, sorry about rent.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
