How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
