im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
