It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
