I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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