I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
