I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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