she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
