we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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