Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
