so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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