i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
