just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
