nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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