May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I intend to get homeless drunk
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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