There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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