I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
