Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
