if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I need a burrito and a hug.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
