Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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