the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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