what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
