guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
