i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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