He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
