So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
