highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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