wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
