please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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