I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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