So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
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I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
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i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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