When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
