After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I need to wash the frat house off of me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
