i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
