he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
