New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
