gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
