He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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