i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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