Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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