My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
