I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
