dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
