I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
