He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
