WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
