i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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