my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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