I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
