I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
