Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
