Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
