guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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