When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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