She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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