I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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