I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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