I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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